Richard157

How to give a cat a Pill.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call in spouse.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head with one hand while forcing wooden ruler in mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered vases and figurines from hearth and set to one side.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, insert straw and blow down it.
9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take away the taste. Apply dressing to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with a spoon. Flick pill down throat with an elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill.
13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to accident and emergency. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on the way home. Order table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

Found in Daily Mail (UK) in September 2003.

Terrie

Heeeyyy Richard:

I take it you didn't read the cat manual
before your little adventure.