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Old 12-22-2018, 01:01   #1
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Default Giggle Snort

Jokes, comics, come-backs, riddles, and other assorted snickers and giggles.................



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Old 12-22-2018, 01:02   #2
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Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?


Because they are good at it.

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Old 12-22-2018, 01:04   #3
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Tell me if you've heard this one before


A dyslexic man walks into a bra..............

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Old 12-23-2018, 04:09   #4
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Three rough-looking bikers walk into a diner where an old man is having breakfast. One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes.
The second biker spits into his coffee.
The third biker dumps his whole plate on the floor.
Without saying a word, the old guy pays his bill & leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?” says one biker to the waitress.
“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man.
In an equally loud voice, he replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION. BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, hell, enough about me.....how are you feeling?"

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Old 12-23-2018, 12:53   #5
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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.


A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."


Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.


A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."



There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

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Old 12-25-2018, 01:06   #6
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Old 12-25-2018, 02:10   #7
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It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus. She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.
Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.
A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.
She turned around, slapped him across the face & screamed: "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."

An 86-year-old man was having his annual checkup. He bragged to the doctor: "Hey, doc. I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. How 'bout that?"
The doctor thought for a moment & said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was a skilled hunter but one day he left home in a hurry & accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Later that day, he came face-to-face with a huge Grizzly Bear. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear & squeezed the handle. And the bear immediately fell to the ground & died.
"That's impossible," said the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," said the doctor.

A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She gets up to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye & takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks.
The husband says, "I was just thinking about when we first met 20 years ago & started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember?"
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring & sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replied.
The husband asks, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face & said, "Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to prison for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek & says, "I would have gotten out today."

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Last edited by xring; 12-25-2018 at 02:21.
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Old 12-25-2018, 13:50   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xring View Post
It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus. She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.
Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.
A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.
She turned around, slapped him across the face & screamed: "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."

An 86-year-old man was having his annual checkup. He bragged to the doctor: "Hey, doc. I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. How 'bout that?"
The doctor thought for a moment & said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was a skilled hunter but one day he left home in a hurry & accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Later that day, he came face-to-face with a huge Grizzly Bear. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear & squeezed the handle. And the bear immediately fell to the ground & died.
"That's impossible," said the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," said the doctor.

A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She gets up to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye & takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks.
The husband says, "I was just thinking about when we first met 20 years ago & started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember?"
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring & sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replied.
The husband asks, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face & said, "Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to prison for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek & says, "I would have gotten out today."




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