[Carey]

hey
i haven't really posted much since i joined because i didnt wanna duplicate in all my questions, but have been learning a lot thru reading everything that is already here and it has been very helpful, so i'd like to say thank you.
ive been having a bad time since my diagnosis of type 1 on april 4. to the point where i now just feel depressed and suicidal all of the time.. i can't seem to come to terms with this diagnosis, i am greiving for my old self, i cannot accept this is with me forever, i am trying my best to manage everything but it is too much and i cant get anything right. everyday, i hope i dont wake up.
i have fianancial worries and a lack of support from family and friends. i have zero self esteem, no motivation, right now.. no reason to live.. i feel like letting this illness just do what it wants to do and slowly kill me.

 

[onaughmae]

hey
i haven't really posted much since i joined because i didnt wanna duplicate in all my questions, but have been learning a lot thru reading everything that is already here and it has been very helpful, so i'd like to say thank you.
ive been having a bad time since my diagnosis of type 1 on april 4. to the point where i now just feel depressed and suicidal all of the time.. i can't seem to come to terms with this diagnosis, i am greiving for my old self, i cannot accept this is with me forever, i am trying my best to manage everything but it is too much and i cant get anything right. everyday, i hope i dont wake up.
i have fianancial worries and a lack of support from family and friends. i have zero self esteem, no motivation, right now.. no reason to live.. i feel like letting this illness just do what it wants to do and slowly kill me.

I do hurt for you Its understandable to feel depressed over something as overwhelming as being diagnosed with a life long chronic disease. Its even normal to grieve. You grieve over losing a part of your life that is gone. We have all been there. I really hope that you hear me when I say...it isnt the end of the world. It really isnt. You can still have a relatively normal, happy life and do all the things you ever wanted to do. You will just do them with diabetes. It takes time to learn how to manage your diabetes. With some patience, and some learning, you *can* do this. There are many people right here on this forum that live *well* with their disease every day. You are very newly diagnosed and I know it must seem incredibly overwhelming. I promise though, it gets better. Please ask anything you need to. Dont worry if it has been asked before. We are all here to help each other and lean on each other when we need it. Even if you are just having a really bad day and need to rant and rave and just be mad, or sad.

You *can* do this. Really. Sometimes I even go online and read stories about other people that are managing their diabetes and how well they are doing. It inspires me to know that this isnt the end of the world and life truly does go on.

We are here for you *hugs* Let us know how you are doing please.

 

[Carey]

:hug: your reply and supportive words mean the world to me

 

[onaughmae]

:hug: your reply and supportive words mean the world to me

I really do hope you start to feel better soon. Please anytime you need to talk feel free. I dont even object to a private message if you want. But really, there are so many very supportive people here and we really have all been where you are at some point. You can control your diabetes..it doesnt have to control you

 

[Jen]

Hi Carey. It's completely natural to grieve for your former unfettered pre-diabetes life. Everyone here has experienced sadness, fear, being overwhelmed. Yes, your life now involves testing blood sugar and trying to replace what your pancreas did so gracefully with a thought/action process that's, at best, a little klunky. But over time, if you allow yourself, it will make more sense and will just be your new normal.

I don't think suicidal thoughts are part of the regular progression of learning to deal with diabetes. Do you live near a university in California? You may be able to find a low-or-no cost counseling program at a medical school. You need to speak with someone about your situation. Have a friend help you find some professional assistance right away if you are too depressed to do the search yourself. Diabetes is quite treatable, but your head needs to be clear to embark on the path.

Like Pam, I'd be happy to help with any diabetes questions or just send virtual hugs when you need them. I can sense your complete lack of energy and sense of defeat. But please, try to get some counseling - it will help.

Best,
Jen

 

[Carey]

:hug:

i am just so tired of being this person already and its only been a few weeks. equallly however i just hate being so absorbed in my depression of this cus i realize i need to 'snap outta it' and that so many other people have it so much worse. ( not just diabetes but other conditions, of course )

i live near miramar college in san diego. i have a diabetes counsellor but he seems to have so many clients i am one of many people he sees. it kinda makes it feel so dilluted and like a job he just has to do and doesnt really care. but again, this just could be my negative mental outlook now due to how i feel.

i am doing everything i can.. i think... in learning my management but i just seem to fall at every hurdle.. i am apathetic... and tired and my moods are still affecting my relationships with people.
i am applying for a lot of jobs right now and being rejected and my self esteem is just taking blow after blow so much that i feel i should be on some kinda scrap heap right now because my body wont function right.

sorry, again, for the complaining and thanks again both for your comfort and support and for understanding how i feel. right now , thats worth more than anything.

 

[Carey]

ps, i'm 22 now and as a teenager 17-19 mainly, i suffered from bad clinical depression and have been medicated with lexapro. i wonder if this whole thing has made me have a 'setback' as i am pre-disposed to depression and or suicidal thoughts from my depression in the past.

 

[Shanny]

You've had a really rude introduction to diabetes, Carey, and it's affecting your livelihood too, which casts a dark pall over everything else. Please seek counseling quickly because, as already mentioned, depression this deep isn't part of the usual progression. You are a valued, very talented & hardworking individual and this disorder should not be allowed to define your existence.

It's been a long long time since I lived in California, but I would bet there is assistance available to help you obtain the meds & supplies you need. Please ask your doctor or pharmacist about it - these are the ones who helped me the most when I was uninsured.

I hope by now your coach has arranged for you a basal insulin. You can't manage type 1 without it. If this is not forthcoming, please seek out other medical caregivers, because unless they put you on a pump right away, you cannot continue with only fast-acting insulin.

I'm so sorry your family/friends are not supporting you when you need them the most. I'm sending all my best vibes for you to get the guidance you need and get hold of the reins here, so you can regain your strength and get on with living your life! It can be done and you can do it. We'll help you all we can, and you can even repeat your questions again & again until hell freezes over - we won't mind a bit!

 

[Carey]

thank youuuu

i have experienced on forums b4 that if you ask the same thing thats already been asked b4, people get cranky.. so glad thats not an issue here

 

[onaughmae]

thank youuuu

i have experienced on forums b4 that if you ask the same thing thats already been asked b4, people get cranky.. so glad thats not an issue here

Nah, it isnt an issue. Sometimes people need to hear something explained a few times in different ways for it to really sink in. I didnt realize you have had a history of being treated for depression. Some depression isnt merely an issue of 'snapping out it'. Often times it is caused by a real chemical imbalance and needs medical treatment. Especially right now with your added diagnosis, you have to realize that things are bit haywire in your body right now and quite probably it is exacerbating your underlying depressive problem. While we are more than happy to help as much as we can, I do urge you to seek assistance for your depression also. Is it possible to see whoever it was that was treating you for it? Also just be aware that there are some medications used for for treating depression that do have a side effect of elevating blood glucose. This may be something that will be have to be taken into account by your medical team also. Hang in there....it will get better!

 

[Carey]

yeah, i had to come off from my anti-depressant medication entirely when i had my diabetes DX which was NOT good for my body in other ways cus you arent really meant to come right off them suddenly.. i had been on a low maintenence dose of lexapro of 10mg every 2 days. they are gonna be getting back to me to see if i am allowed to slowly reintroduce it, at a low dose, at my next review on 05.25.
thanks again

 

[onaughmae]

yeah, i had to come off from my anti-depressant medication entirely when i had my diabetes DX which was NOT good for my body in other ways cus you arent really meant to come right off them suddenly.. i had been on a low maintenence dose of lexapro of 10mg every 2 days. they are gonna be getting back to me to see if i am allowed to slowly reintroduce it, at a low dose, at my next review on 05.25.
thanks again

Oh good, maybe hopefully that will help also

 

[Shanny]

Our earlier posts overlapped, Carey, and I missed your post about your depression - I sure wasn't ignoring it, because I'm on an SSRI myself, and my husband is on several meds for depression. No, it isn't something you can just "snap out of". Pulling up by our bootstraps doesn't work so well when our bootstraps have broken off - right?

I so wish your medical team were taking you a little more seriously and/or moving you along a little faster. Interesting that there seemed to be no concern about yanking you OFF your meds for your diabetes diagnosis, but now they need to reintroduce it slowly . . . MAYbe. Grrrrr . . . Apparently none of these folks have experienced their own bouts of depression!

 

[Carey]

sadly.. it seems.. money talks... im broke, therefore i'm low priority.

my depression is and was always clinical. nothing in my life justified the black holes i found myself in. i am sorry you and your husband have experienced similar... i hope you guys are both doing okay. it really is one of those things you have to have experienced to understand, and even now when i try to explain the darkness i can only do so in an abstract way.
you def. can't SNAP OUT.. thats the solution of the ignorant.

anyway. thanks so much for your kind words and support.
i will get there. if every day is a little better than yesterday, things will slowly feel better, i hope.

 

[breezeonby]

thank youuuu

i have experienced on forums b4 that if you ask the same thing thats already been asked b4, people get cranky.. so glad thats not an issue here

Welcome Carey, glad to meet you! I understand your depression. I have some problems with depression and sometimes you just can't snap out of it. Do seek more help if things don't get better. For now, you might need more medication. Please know that you are not alone. There is usually someone on here every few hours. Come on here and get it out of your system. You will get through this trying time! Hang in there!

 

[jsntay]

sadly.. it seems.. money talks... im broke, therefore i'm low priority.

my depression is and was always clinical. nothing in my life justified the black holes i found myself in. i am sorry you and your husband have experienced similar... i hope you guys are both doing okay. it really is one of those things you have to have experienced to understand, and even now when i try to explain the darkness i can only do so in an abstract way.
you def. can't SNAP OUT.. thats the solution of the ignorant.

anyway. thanks so much for your kind words and support.
i will get there. if every day is a little better than yesterday, things will slowly feel better, i hope.

Just take things one day at a time. It will get better! I am sure stopping your lexapro cold turkey threw you way out of wack. I looked lexapro up and it says nothing about raising glucose so I don't understand their reasoning for taking you off of it. Stay in touch, there are alot of good people on here that are here for you, whether its your diabetes or anything else!

 

[MinisMom]

Hi Carey. I too have faced the life sucking black hole called depression. Mine actually started around your age, maybe a little younger, I've slept since then, so it's kinda hard to remember. I had a hard time dealing with depression because my parents don't think that depression is a medical condition. They always believed that it was something that was "all someone's imagination" and not real. So I never told them about my dark episodes and suicidal thoughts and attempts. As I've gotten older I've managed to somewhat control things. (or hide sometimes) I still have the "bad" thoughts, but I tell myself that there is a reason that I'm here. About the time I was your age they told me there was no chance of me getting pregnant....well there goes my lifelong dream, get married, have a house full of babies and die old. Well there comes my new best friend...depression, back with a taste for blood. I stood on the edge of the cliff for hours, counted out the pills hundreds of times, and thought about it alot. Then one day things kind of hit me, I MUST BE THE MOST SELFISH PERSON I KNOW. How could I feel sorry for myself when so many other people had problems that made mine look like mosquito bites. I still battle the monster, but I can do it as long as I know someone needs me. My parents are getting older and they need me. My best friend, my 13 yr old cat needs me. My niece and nephew need me (sometimes). My husband.....we won't go there. But I know that I can always find someone that needs me, even if it's only to hold the door open at the grocery store.

My diabetes diagnosis was a life changing event, not a life ending event. My diagnosis was only 4 yrs ago, trust the experience you find on this forum. You are not alone, face it head on and you will not fail.

Hang in there,
Judith

 

[breezeonby]

Hi Carey, it is me again. I didn't read all of the posts on here when I replied before. My eyesight is not that great right now and I have been kind of skipping around, I apologize. I am a pharmacy tech student and Lexapro does not cause high blood sugar. I am glad that you did a taper on that medication. I was on Prozac for more than 10 years and I went through a change of doctors and a new doctor yanked me off of Prozac and put me on Lexapro because my new doctor thought that Lexapro had a better track record than Prozac and felt that Lexapro also helped anxiety better than Prozac. There was no tapering period and both Lexapro & Prozac are both SSRI's, so there should have been no problem. That was wrong. I ended up in the hospital with withdrawl syndrome. I thought I had a stroke. The left side of my body went numb & I was having trouble speaking. I was rushed to the hospital and they ran all of the tests needed to see if I had a stroke. All tests were negative for a stroke and all attention was focused on my medications. I wasn't taking that much medication then so the drastic change of brain chemicals and not tapering off Prozac was the cause of my problem. I spent 3 days in the hospital and was taken off the Lexapro. It took 3 months before I felt better and was put on Remeron. I am on the highest dose of it. It has helped some, but one anti-depressant has never been enough for my depression. So I also take a tricyclic anti-depressant as well. I have tried a drug in every class of anti-depressants made. I have treatment resistant depression and I will always need to be on some type of medication for it. Depression runs in my family and has caused an array of problems. I know all about the deep dark side of depression. I have been in the hospital several times for depression and have gone through periods where I did not want to get out of bed. I managed to survive through those periods, but time goes by very slow while deep in depression. I don't understand why you were taken off of your medication, you probably need it more now than ever. I am sure your doctor has a reason for discontinuing your Lexapro, I am just not sure why. If you are having difficulty affording your medications, there are programs that can help you get your medication. Here are a couple of websites for you to look at. institutedc.org and NeedyMeds. Hope these can help.

 

[Candlelight]

I thought I'd throw in here and say if you ever need an email buddy or something, I've always got my phone with me and if I'm awake I can respond. I can at least relate, a little, in my own way. I'm 22 and was diagnosed a couple of weeks ago with type 1 out of the blue with no family history and sometimes (especially when it's meal time, lol) it's really depressing to think about the harder side of things. I had a bad bit of depression/anxiety and was on a series of medication for it in my teens along with a therapist. It still hits sometimes, but I'm working through.

So, you know, if you ever need someone to tell you a really stupid joke or want to rant for a while (I maintain that the occasional rant is good for the soul) I'm available. If you want my email, go ahead and private message me. Or just respond. I'm good either way.

Whatever you decide, I know you'll be alright. Just take it one day at a time and if you can, concentrate on the good bits. Take the time for a deep breath now and then and hang in there.

-Jenny

 

[Carey]

thanks you guys all again for being so awesome.

i was yanked off the lexapro cos on the day of my diaganosis i was just put right onto IV and i guess they didnt have much time to think about it.

i feel slightly more positive at the moment but it fluctuates..... i will hang in, and i thank you guys again so much for the kindness demonstrated here. :hug: